Infatuation is a word to describe when i first fall in love. Why can't i feel the same infatuation with God? Or am i having dementia, forget why i have with God before.... the journey is blur when i look back. I can't see out of the mist. God, forgive me if i have been so far away from you. I would want to invite God , today...come join me my walk....my door is open for you.
I want to miss you like i miss the sunshine everyday. I want to think about you like the food i am thinking every second. i want to drink your blood of sacrifice, eat the flesh of you offering. i want to get close with you as if i am wearing my bra. i want to be loved, be touched, be hugged every second of my life. i want to be blessed.
Days are not the same as before... it's going to meet the study weeks again. Well, i am craving for it because i really appreciate for even a day of reading relaxing in the room. ^_^
I don't care how much harder to go, i want to be a good nurse! I want to go travel around! i want to feel........ i want to see! :) yeah babe, indeed i am so greedy...but without fulfilling this, i will not be satisfied.
Well, holiday i was at home spending every single moment with my family and computer. However , i spent a lot also. This semester i've been investing in buying, printer, digital camera, Devotion's bible, shoes rack, books rack, shoes.....and many... at the end.. I open my mouth and beg my mum for help...
Can you imagine how sad it is? I wonder.. if one day i never ask my mum for money, instead i give her money and bring her to where she wants... how great would it be....... mama, i wanna be a big girl...i bigger one not the one who still need burn your pocket. i think, i would need financial management...
Guess what, this year i will be going into a psychiatric ward. >_<> i cannot bear with manic people's touching or hugging. i am so scare!!!!!! why is it my depth of distance perception so sensitive? who can help me??? mummy....i wanna be a nurse but definitely not a psychiatric ward nurse.Days are definitely brand new everyday.
The sky changes,
the weather changes,
i don't change ,
how to walk? Some days i will be there thinking of why all the time. Questions seem a lot for me but the answer doesn't really touch my heart nor change me. Being stubborn is a mechanism to protect myself. Maybe i shouldn't have to act like this but i'm feeling insecure and coward inside. A i know more about myself, i rather to avoid what is real and return to my comfort zone. I wonder why, recently my comfort zone seems changed following the sky. I am the one left behind and hanging around heading to no way. God, please be close with me, hold my hand tight so that i can feel your presence.
Change seems so shocking to me as the indifference of it is unpredictable. The world keeps changing and human too. Can you imagine as that everything is so good and you are so contented suddenly change up side down like you do not belong to? I will definitely never like this insecure feeling. Recently, i have learned something in the current game that i played, entitled " spores". My character is a carnivore. I use to survive from a bacteria until conquer the planet. It is a game which showing the reality of the world. I use to be a crafty as serpent and never innocent as Doves. Some monster might looks adorable with their appearance but, their turn up eating me when i was trying to make friends with them. Shockingly, it ended up changing me to become severe killer. I've no friends at all. A lonely one but the one who own the earth. After the game over, i realized something which was my reaction towards it show my real personality. Even though it is just a game, I react to the situation naturally without a second thought. If things happen the same in real world, i would have been doing the same thing. Can you see that i was in the process of being influenced and going to be molded into something? If in this world everyone act the same, how would it be ? "i remember one thing, it was when i saw the farmer i was trying to kill keep begging me innocently had ended up his life by my cruelty slaughter; i feel so weird ...how could i do that. When we do not change, people beside us will dash in and trying to change us. Does this annoy you? For me, definitely a yes. They are trying to change us because they know us, they know too much of us. For this, it just make me feel like short changed in friendship. Talking out openly will never be my view about the gist of friendship. Sometimes it would be better talking to the death or your pet rather than a flesh human when things come to your privacy. Even though i no longer like to talk about myself, i come across this and am trying to learn how to see fools as a chance of learning. To see people characteristic and learning to forgive and embrace people faults. Father has so much for me to learn...... the world is such convoluted and complicated yet i have the biggest Father and the Almighty taking care of me. This is a blessing!
Genesis 6:3 Then the lord said," My Spirit will not put up with humans for such a long time, for they are only mortal flesh. In future, they will live no more than 120 years."
Although this sounds sad or like a curse, yet i see it in a different way. It proves that God knows human more than we know ourselves. He lets us know how long do we live our lives even to the fullest, we are still having such a meager life. It is short. I am starting to count my blessing and how much do i really did to make it worthy. No matter what, thank God for i am healthy and still living. I believe not a single wise man would be able to control his life nor age. We are just too fragile and weak. Man who lives without God lives his life like a blind man, walking in path among the crowd, heading no way and misleading by all those voices around. He knows something about God, but he is not ready for his kingdom and salvation. Well, so many voices around, how can he make his decision as he is blind. Even people who knows or believe in God would have eyes yet but cannot see and with ears but cannot listen...pathetic.
God, spare my life and let me be the humble servant of you. Give me the super "eyemore" so that i have eyes could see. Give me the super hearing device so that i have ears could listen. Give me wisdom so that words form my mouth bring benefits to others. Give me a humble heart, so that i lean not on my own understanding but you. In christ i pray, Amen.
It has been to tired for a day like this. Not because I've been sleeping for long. Not because i been eating to much. I'm kinda down with making decision. :( You know what? i feel like running . " No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11"
Oh, i just cannot imagine how! i can't picture it. i don't repent because i don't understand. I find myself very stubborn.. yes i am. Oh Lord, how could you bear such a person like me? My love to you is limited, yet you still love me like your child and always patience to teach and make me discipline. I am not ready for your always yet your are always ready for me. How much could to praise you? The way you see me is not like how the world see me. When i am fall, you are always my shelter. For you know i am so fragile now, do not let me lead by temptation. i love you God, do not let me done something that make you disappointed nor anger.
well, holiday i have been coming to search this kind of things enjoy! Everyone is dating all these days, well what is the right relationship should we have. What is the complications of different kinds of relationship? I am seeking.... it awe me for that let me knows that my mind is so shallow.
Sometimes i wonder why we seldom praise people and cheer up people when we suppose to do so? People now is like too hypocrite to praise and too intention to cheer. oooo...... When they really mean it, it's the time they wanna bring you down with their word and not praising. Well well well, who are them who dare to judge you? wHO are the one who give them permits to judge us? They are such busy-body indeed. I hope i'm not one of them. My mum always scold me for not saying a good word to praise people. Well, i hope i'll able to empower this tool. Maybe it is a culture and upbringing problem. If i have not study psychology before, I will really get anger and get their mouth tear off. "Forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing." God is good, He is so the most clever one in existence. You know what? i have currently come to out that people around are trying to mold me into something i am not. For what they do and What they say, you reaction and respond is what they wanna see and how they mold you into trap. Well, hell no to them! FOr God has grant me good perceptive and perspective, i will rather be patience and calm down to think for my reaction and response. Never allow contamination. RUn away from me you little wicked devil!!!!
Oh.. it all just make me breathless to listen someone who is so negative in thinking. I have come to realize and even able to picture a this person life if negative thought never fade off. Oh, how patience is God that He can bear this kind of people in the world. Man ! human is indeed damn lot like this. I love myself a lot. Never will let myself suffer. However if i would have to describe myself. I would like to say, I am a diamond yet not yet being discover by human. Someone said, no pressure no diamond, well i am now under pressure. :) People bring in sarcastic words , i bear. People who is so caring even mind my business, i ignore. People who is making me a fool, i am patience. People who bring me down when i need encouragement, i keep silence. What they have gone through i observed. For all that i see them like i see myself in the mirror. How foolish am i before. Oh, God is just too patience enough to bear with me during all these 22 years. THank God! God is good all the time.
I am having my exam these few weeks. Despite lamenting about my stress, i think it's real time for me to count my blessing today. It was a scorching heat afternoon, i was overwhelmed with my morning exam, waiting to sleep , laying on my bed. My mind was full of thoughts and happiness. GUess what? :) FInally, i got 3 As for my 3 nursing ospe. It was totally not my own effort. I had prayed for long before i went through it all. Even though i've to spending some of my times in serving for his ministry.... he will always be with me helping me up. God is really great! I just can't get enough to praise him more... He use me in his way, and all i need to do is that to have faith in him. Oh my... you know how amazing is it? i shall not lean on my own wisdom for my wisdom is too shallow for God! :) Thanks God! Last year, i had tried my best in anyway... but in vain , even though i practised more than this time which i had. i try to use my logical thinking and wisdom. However, i finally found.... He is the one who i suppose to lean on!
